Editing – Aim for Short, Concrete Sentences

I have taught a course in Business Writing for over six years. While very different than creative writing, some elements are the same.

Long sentences are hard to follow. Try reading James Joyce with anything less than complete attention.  There's definitely a place for long sentences but, for the most part, it's not in genre fiction.

As a general rule, keep your sentences under 20 words. Any longer and you’re likely to make grammar mistakes or lose the meaning of the sentence.

How Long should a Sentence Be?   by writing tips for word lovers

How Long Should Sentences Be?   via help me tell my story

Also, try to keep one thought per sentence. If you need to convey two ideas put them into two separate sentences. Let’s compare an early draft of my opening scene with the last draft

Second Draft

      Wisdom fell fifty feet and landed face-first on concrete.  The impact splattered blood from open wounds in all directions leaving an after-image of his body on the ground.   His skull bounced off the sidewalk twice before coming to rest.  He kept his eyes closed and forced himself to breathe past the jagged pain in his chest.  At least three ribs were broken. Probably more.  If it wasn’t over, if his father wasn’t really dead, Wisdom would soon be.   Still, it was not pain or fear that made him open his eyes. It was a little girl’s scream.

      He had to blink several times before he could focus.  Misty shapes solidified and he realized something: he was no longer in the underground fortress of the Council.  Cold mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the rush of water and Wisdom was forced to admit where he was. 

Sixth Draft

Wisdom fell fifty feet landing face-first on concrete.  His skull bounced off the sidewalk twice. Then he was still.  He kept his eyes closed. Each breath was painful.  At least three ribs were broken.  Probably more. Still, it was over: the Djinn was dead.

Nearby, a little girl screamed.

He blinked repeatedly, forcing his eyes to focus.  Misty shapes solidified and he realized he was no longer in the underground fortress of the Council.  Cold mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the sound of rushing water. He realized where he was.  

Changes:

1.       Point of View (POV)

Beta readers had a problem with Point of View. They wanted to keep the reader mind inside Wisdom's mind. This is call first person subjective. I wrote the first draft in 3rd person omniscient. That means you can't tell who the narrator is. You can also see inside the mind of every character as needed.

For some reason this point of view is currently out of fashion, especially in YA.  That genre prefers 1^st person subjective because a single person narrates the story as they see it happening.

Here's how the above scene would play in in first person subjective:

I fell fifty feet and landed faced-first on concrete. My head bounced off the sidewalk twice. Then I was still.  I kept my eyes closed. Each breath was painful.  At least three of my ribs were broken.  Probably more.  Still, it was over: the Djinn was dead.

There is nothing wrong with either POV. The choice is yours as long as you do it consistently.

Links
Point of View - What and Why
Understanding Point of View for Dummies

2.       Beware the “has” tense.

Currently the “has” tense is out of fashion (just don’t tell George R.R. Martin about it). The theory is it puts too much distance between the reader and the action. Technically you should only use this tense to describe a continuous action in the past that was interrupted by another action. For example: 

Harry had spent every morning alone after breakfast until he met Ron.

Now that the “had” out and see if it changes the meaning.

Harry spent every morning alone until he met Ron.

The meaning doesn’t really change so you should take the “had” out.

Links:
The Present Perfect: Using "Has" and "Have" With the Past Participle
Narrative Tenses with Helpful Pictures

3      Keep it active and avoid the passive

Saying “he had to blink several times to focus” makes Wisdom seem a victim. It is something beyond his control. Changing it to “He blinked” puts the action back on him. He is consciously doing something.

Similarly “Wisdom was forced to realize where he was” is passive. Again, events beyond his control give him no choice but to admit something. Changing it to “He realized where he was” makes him more active.

If you’re writing an action scene, use active tone. If you’re writing a scene about someone being victimized or suffering from a natural disaster passive tense might be more appropriate.

4.       Watch run-on sentences

Look at this line from the first version:

Cold mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the rush of water and Wisdom was forced to admit where he was. 

This is actually three separate thoughts. 

1. Cold air fell on his face.
2. The air rumbled with the rush of water. 
3. Wisdom was forced to admit where he was.  

You could put it as three separate sentences; however, I decided to break up the monotony of several small sentences by using a semi-colon.

So when do you use a semi-colon? Use it when you want to join together two complete sentences that are related and/or support each other. If you’re not 100% sure that a semi-colon works, don’t use it. A period works just as well. It’s simply a matter of style.

A quick note on the relationship between sentence length and tension. Short sentences tend to create more tension, long sentences reduce tension.  Therefore, most action sequences should have generally short sentences.  Descriptions of peaceful valleys or scenic ocean vistas work better with longer sentences.

Links:
Sentence Fragments and Run On Sentences

5.       Can You Spot the Comma Splice?

A comma splice is a grammatical error in which you use a comma where you should use a period or a semi-colon.  Both “Cold mist fell on his face” and “the air rumbled with the sound of rushing water” are full, complete sentences. Therefore, a comma is inappropriate.

Conclusion

This may look like I've spent too much time thinking about a few simple paragraphs. However, this is how much writers SHOULD think about their finished work. Too many self-published indie authors are putting out sloppy, unfinished work. Not only are they destroying their own reputation, they are damaging the industry as a whole.

Take the time to edit properly. And, for the love of literature, get the opinion of an experienced editor.

Editing Process - Beginnings

http://greatfirstlines.tumblr.com/post/23355599029/it-was-a-bright-cold-day-in-april-and-the-clocks

Years ago, I had the privilege of being accepted to the creative writing program at the University of Windsor.  One thing these classes taught me: your beginning is crucial.  

Just like a movie, the beginning of your short story or novel needs to immediately engage the audience. It also needs to set the tone for the entire piece.

Here’s How the First Draft of Council of Peacocks Began.

He sat on the grass-covered rocks looking out at the ocean.  He was covered in wetness from the spray and the gentle rain that had been falling all morning.  He didn’t really care about being wet. He was just glad to be outside; away from the dungeon he called a home.  One room in the basement of a house. He felt so far away from everything he’d ever know. Lost, in a way, but secure in another.  As he watched the waves crash against the beach he realized he had to make a decision.  Something had to change.   He took off his shirt and headed towards the beach.  When he was only a few feet from the water, he took off his pants and the rest of his clothes. Naked he walked the rest of the way to the water. He didn’t really consider someone watching him. It was far to cold for that.  Nova Scotia was a cold place this time of year.  He knew the water would be close to freezing too, but he didn’t care. He had to do something different, something daring.

Why This Didn't Work

This scene is written from the point of view of David. In the first draft he was the central character. Nothing in this paragraph screams urban fantasy. If anything, its makes me think of a “coming of age” story.  It’s a common trope. He's the outsider admitted into a supernatural world. Through his eyes we experience all the strangeness that makes up day-to-day life for the other characters.  You’ll see this in:

• Alice in Alice in Wonderland
• Rogue in the first X-Men movie
• Harry in the first Harry Potter novels.

In the first draft, we start with David’s beach-side scene. Then he takes a bus to Toronto and meets Wisdom and the Anomalies. There is no action or hint of supernatural elements for 30 pages. Sometimes slow beginnings can work. However, most of the time they result in lost readers. 

Why I Needed to Write This.

The first draft helped me understand who David was. It established his voice and his back story. In subsequent drafts, I removed all elements of this because it does nothing to advance the plot.

What Replaced It

Here’s the beginning of the novel now:

Wisdom fell fifty feet, landing face-first on concrete.  His skull bounced off the sidewalk twice. Then he was still.  He kept his eyes closed. Each breath was painful.  At least three ribs were broken.  Probably more. Still, it was over: the Djinn was dead.

Nearby, a little girl screamed.

He blinked repeatedly, forcing his eyes to focus.  Misty shapes solidified and he realized he was no longer in the underground fortress of the Council.  Cold mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the sound of rushing water. He realized where he was. 

Why It Works

It starts with action. It is also “in media res”: a fancy Latin phrase used in literary circles meaning it starts in the middle.  We jump into the story without preamble. That’s another fancy word meaning “introductory or explanatory statements”. I’m not starting with 10 pages of world building. I’m not discussing Wisdom’s childhood. I’m trying to give you the same sense you get in the “opening gambit” of a James Bond movie.

My next post will discuss the various drafts of this opening scene and how I tried to improve it.

Links:

100 Best Opening Lines From Novels

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Survey Results - Part 4 of Indie Author Survey

In January of 2013, Suckers Guild conducted a survey of Independent Authors. The original survey can be found here: What Indie Writers Need Survey.  The first three parts of the survey results can be found here:

Survey Results – Part 1 of Indie Author Survey

Survey Results – Part 2 of Indie Author Survey

Survey Results - Part 3 of Indie Author Survey

If You Belong to Any Writer's Groups, What Types of Support Do They NOT Offer That You Wish They Did?

I teach a course on preparing a business plan. Many young entrepreneurs know they want to open their own business but do not know what kind of business. I tell them if they want a successful business they need to forget about what THEY want. The best businesses focus on what the world NEEDS.

That is why we added this question to the indie writers’ survey.

Some of the responses were expected:

·         Finding readers because my current group only has other writers

·         Help with editing, proofreading, cover art, and launch promotions

·         Help getting word out about my blog

·         Marketing, promotion, and distribution.

Other responses were unexpected. These are things we can use to build the kind of group you need.

1. Access to Media and More Info on Social Media.

The internet is quickly becoming the number one method of advertising in North America.  The internet is pervasive. It is in almost every home and on almost every phone. At the same time, many people are not marketing correctly on the internet (see below).

There are thousands of sites focused on how to use social media.  Who has time to read a thousand pages? Suckers Guild will be your “go-to” people for promotion and social media questions. Rather than reading those thousands sites, ask us. We will dumb it down for you. This will free up your time to focus on writing and editing.

Internet Advertising Now the Top Medium in UK and Fastest Growing Around the World

U.S. Study Reveals Online Marketing is Failing with Consumers

2. Increased Access to Marketing Opportunities.

Here are the things everyone else is already doing:

·         Facebook author pages

·         Blogs

·         Blog tours and swapping promotions on blogs

·         Shout-outs on Twitter and Facebook

·         Standard book trailers

·         Goodreads author pages

We want our members to stand out. All of the above tactics are good and necessary for the modern author. However, if you want to stand out from the competition you need to do what they are not doing.

Suckers Guild will help you improve your promotion by:

·         Analyzing your current promotion strategy (if you have one)

·         Determining your strengths/weaknesses for promotion

·         Developing an innovative promotion strategy focused on you

3. Organized Help in the Writing Process (e.g. writing circles).

Marketing and promotion is one of the core functions of the Suckers Guild.  Improving your writing process is the other core function. Trying to find other writers you can trust to give an honest opinion on your work can be time consuming. Rather than hunt for them, simply come to Suckers Guild. We have a built-in network of beta readers.

Writing can be a very solitary process sometimes.  The more you connect with other writers the more productive you will be.

4. Post Traumatic Review Stress Counseling.

We cannot share a Haagen-Dazs over the internet. We can help you use the traumatic review as a learning tool. Sometimes a bad review is because the reviewer is a jerk. Other times, it is because the reviewer is giving you the greatest gift an artist can ask for: honesty.

Years ago I interviewed for a position as marketing manager for a national retailer. My resume said I was qualified and I was sure I connected with the people conducting the initial interview. At the end of the session, I asked (very cocky) if there was anything I could do to improve my interview skills. The interviewers exchanged a look and then laid into me. I took a deep breath and learned from it. They told me everything I had done wrong (in minute detail) and I never did those things again.

Harsh reviews can change everything about your work if you use them properly.

5. Divide Group Based on Genre.

From day one we will categorize authors by genre. Much of this will be behind the scenes until the group grows.

6. Introductions to Literary Agents and Publishers. A girl Can Dream.

Absolutely. There are some big advantages to being an indie writer today. That’s why I’m starting as an indie. Still, most writers dream about hitting the big time. We all want to be the next Stephanie Meyer, George R.R. Martin, J.K. Rowling or E. L. James. One way to grab the attention of an agent or a publisher is to build your own following. It means less work for them.

Rather than wait for them to notice you, we’ll help you get started building your fan base today. When that happens, you won’t have to look for agents. They will look for you.

7. More Room for Non-Fiction & Memoir Writers. We're Usually Left Out.

Another lesson from Marketing 101 is the importance of staying focused on your target market. If you try to please everyone you end up pleasing no one.

Suckers Guild will be focused solely on helping genre writers. If anyone is interested in starting a group of their own for non-fiction or memoir writers we will happily assist with the setup.

Conclusion

That wraps up the report on the indie writer survey. Thanks to everyone who took part. It will definitely help us create a better group focused on helping you.

Survey Results - Part 3 of Indie Author Survey

In January of 2013, Suckers Guild conducted a survey of Independent Authors. The original survey can be found here: What Indie Writers Need Survey.  The first two parts of the survey results can be found here:

Survey Results – Part 1 of Indie Author Survey

Survey Results – Part 2 of Indie Author Survey

The last two questions on the survey were short answer questions.

What I Like Least About Being an Indie Writer

The results for this question were varied. However, there were two basic trends.

1. Being Responsible for All Marketing

Here are a few examples of statements made in the survey:

• Spending all my time trying to market and not having any time to write outside of my technical writing business.
• The endless search for information that will be relevant and perhaps critical to the successful marketing of my books. I learn something new every day and am constantly saying “I wish I had known that 6 months ago”. The learning curve is steep.
• Difficult to get the word out. Marketing.
• Marketing takes away from writing
• Having to do all the promotion myself

Without the support of the marketing team of a major publisher, independent authors are responsible for doing all their own marketing.  However, even authors published through one of the big six are often responsible for their own marketing today.

See these articles for more information on how all authors are responsible for their own promotion:

                Six Common Misconceptions About Being a Published Author

                Do Publishers Expect Authors to Market Themselves?

                Publishers Must Change the Way Authors Get Paid

One of the goals of the Suckers Guild is to ease the burden of doing all your own marketing.  We help members formulate smart marketing strategies to ensure the biggest impact for the least amount of work.

Several others commented on how expensive marketing can be.  Thanks to the Internet and social media, it is possible to do very effective marketing campaigns for little to no money. 

2. Indie Writers Have a Bad Image

Examples of statements made in the survey:

• I think indie writers are often unfairly grouped together. If a reader discovers a few badly formatted books that have terrible grammar and have clearly not been proofread, they assume all indie books are like that.
• The stereotyping that all Indie books are of a low quality.
• Being lost in a sea of others and told you are lazy or no good because you chose to not do traditional pub.
• People assume that I have no editor and dismiss my work out of hand without even looking.
• The old ways still hold sway, even though the 21st century promises to displace it. The general opinion seems to still place much emphasis on traditional publishing houses.

Undeservedly, there is an impression that indie writers are independent because they could not get a publisher or agent. The truth is many writers are choosing to stay independent because they get to keep more of the money from their sales.

However, in the marketing world we learn that image equals reality. If the world believes something about you it is, in essence, true.  We have to fix that impression. 

So why is this happening?  I think the following statement from one survey respondent is the most accurate:

Some people release work that is not ready out of ignorance; they don't realize how unfinished their work really is.  Other people put out work that is not ready because they can’t afford to hire a professional editor.

If you have the money, hiring a professional editor is an amazing experience. If you have more time than money, becoming part of a writers group may be a better offer. You gain someone who will edit your book for free and you “pay” for it by editing theirs.  One of the benefits of this is you become better at self-editing as well. Seeing the mistakes others make is a wonderful way to learn what NOT to do.

Just because you can publish a piece does not mean you should.  In the past, publishers acted as “gatekeepers”. They decided what got out into the public.  Today the gatekeepers are on holiday. Anything can get out into the hands of a reader no matter how good or bad it is.

One of the goals of the Suckers Guild is to self-police our members. We will be the gatekeepers helping to make sure only quality products are released.

The last section of the survey results will be released tomorrow.

Survey Results - Part 2 of Indie Author Survey

In January of 2013, Suckers Guild conducted a survey of Independent Authors. The original survey can be found here: What Indie Writers Need Survey.  Part one of the survey was previously posted and can be found here: Survey Results - Part 1 of Indie Author Survey

After a month of responses were collected and analysed, here are the end results:

5. How Promising is the Future of Indie Writing?

Not surprisingly, most who took part in the survey saw a promising future for independent publishing.

6. How Strong is the Sense of Community Between Indie Writers?

Again, most people who answered the survey found a very strong sense of community among independent authors. Meeting other writers on twitter and other social media makes me feel like I'm not alone in my struggles.  On days when nothing seems to be working, I have a small group of supporters who lift me up when needed and give me a kick in the pants when that's what I need.

7. Do You Belong to Any Writer's Groups?

Yes - 45.71%     

No  - 54.29%

Some people stated they don't have time to belong to a writers' group. The opposite is true. Belonging to a writers' group can actually free up a great deal of your time.  How much time do you spend each week on promotion and marketing your product? Wouldn't it be more efficient to have a whole group of writers marketing your product with you? Groups like Authors Social Media Support Group do this extremely well and we have no intention of competing against them. Suckers Guild has a very different focus.

8. What Sort of Help Would You Like from a Writers Group?

Overwhelmingly, most authors said they wanted help with book promotion. In the past, writing groups were formed primarily to improve the quality of each member's writing. Today it's all about increasing sales. The two are not mutually exclusive. All things being equal, improving the quality and quantity of your writing should increase your sales. 

When I teach marketing classes, I tell my students quality is defined as "meeting or exceeding customer expectations". Suckers Guild can help you understand the needs of your customers (e.g. your readers). This will increase retention rate (e.g. guaranteed purchase of future books) as well as increase your brand awareness (e.g. become known to new customers).

I recently did a marketing series on my own blog. You can find it here: Marketing Articles

One of the key goals of Suckers Guild is to make marketing and promotion of your product much easier and more time efficient.

The last two questions were comment fields.  Instead of making this post another 5 pages long, I'll break them into separate blog postings. For many of you they will be the most informative sections.

Check back tomorrow for those.

Questions: 

Why do you think so many people need help with promotion?

Why is promotion so difficult?

Best Book Trailer

I have to thank Johnathon Gunson for this. Here's a link to his blog post about the best book trailer he's ever seen.
The best Book Trailer I've Seen in Years by Johnathon Gunson

After you watch this I guarantee you'll have a very different opinion of how to do book trailers.

We need more book trailers like this:

And less book trailers like this:

Survey Results - Part 1 of Indie Author Survey

In January of 2013 Suckers Guild conducted a survey of independent writers.  The original survey can be found here: Indie Author Survey: What You Need.

After a month of responses have been calculated, here are the end results:

1. How Often Do you Write?

Most "how to" books on writing suggest you should write every day if you want to get better at your craft.  Well, if the numbers are accurate more than 70% of people are not following the experts' advice.

I've started giving myself Sundays off. I need a day of rest because I'm doing so much.  Taking time off to recharge is understandable.  However, if you are only writing 3 days a week because you don't "feel" like writing you need to look at your habits.

Writing is a skill.  You need to practice it. If you only write when the feeling hits you it will take you forever to complete anything.

2. On Average, How Many Pages Do You Write Per Session?

More than half surveyed write under 6 pages a day. Now, ask yourself why? Is it because you are editing as you write? The experts say that is a big no-no for first drafts. I average 5-6 pages a day. I won't stop until I've hit 5 pages even if the work is rubbish.

It's truly a question of discipline, not talent.  Only  a few very experienced writers are able to self-edit as they go. My best advice for newer writers is finish the book. A garage first draft is better than a marvelous first chapter any day.

3. Are You a Pantsing (e.g. "seat of your pants") Writer or a Plotter?

Looks like those surveyed are not heavy plotters. Do you believe there is any relationship between plotting and quality of the work? Sound off in the comments below.

4. What Do You Do On Your Days Off From Writing?

Is your day job getting in the way of your writing? Are you spending so much time networking that you no longer have time to write?

The experts (and I'm thinking specifically of Julia Cameron) will tell you that you need to write every day. Even if it is only 20 minutes. Don't applaud yourself for find 1/2 an hour to write. If you're serious about writing you need to start allocating time for it. If it is important enough to you, you will find the time.

Part Two can now be found here: Part 2 of Indie Author Survey Results