Long sentences are
hard to follow. Try reading James Joyce with anything less than complete
attention. There's definitely a place
for long sentences but, for the most part, it's not in genre fiction.
As a general rule,
keep your sentences under 20 words. Any longer and you’re likely to make
grammar mistakes or lose the meaning of the sentence.
Also, try to keep one
thought per sentence. If you need to convey two ideas put them into two
separate sentences. Let’s compare an early
draft of my opening scene with the last draft
Second Draft
Wisdom fell
fifty feet and landed face-first on concrete.
The impact splattered blood from open wounds in all directions leaving
an after-image of his body on the ground.
His skull bounced off the sidewalk twice before coming to rest. He kept his eyes closed and forced himself to
breathe past the jagged pain in his chest.
At least three ribs were broken. Probably more. If it wasn’t over, if his father wasn’t
really dead, Wisdom would soon be.
Still, it was not pain or fear that made him open his eyes. It was a
little girl’s scream.
He had to blink several times before he
could focus. Misty shapes solidified and
he realized something: he was no longer in the underground fortress of the
Council. Cold mist fell on his face, the
air rumbled with the rush of water and Wisdom was forced to admit where he was.
Sixth Draft
Wisdom
fell fifty feet landing face-first on concrete.
His skull bounced off the sidewalk twice. Then he was still. He kept his eyes closed. Each breath was
painful. At least three ribs were
broken. Probably more. Still, it was
over: the Djinn was dead.
Nearby,
a little girl screamed.
He
blinked repeatedly, forcing his eyes to focus.
Misty shapes solidified and he realized he was no longer in the
underground fortress of the Council.
Cold mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the sound of rushing
water. He realized where he was.
Changes:
1. Point of View (POV)
Beta readers had a
problem with Point of View. They wanted to keep the reader mind inside
Wisdom's mind. This is call first person subjective. I wrote the first draft in 3rd person omniscient. That means you can't tell who the narrator is. You
can also see inside the mind of every character as needed.
For some reason this point of view is currently out of fashion, especially in YA. That genre prefers 1st person subjective because a single person narrates the story as they see it happening.
For some reason this point of view is currently out of fashion, especially in YA. That genre prefers 1st person subjective because a single person narrates the story as they see it happening.
Here's how the above scene would play in in first person subjective:
I fell fifty feet and landed faced-first on concrete. My head bounced
off the sidewalk twice. Then I was still.
I kept my eyes closed. Each breath was painful. At least three of my ribs were broken. Probably more.
Still, it was over: the Djinn was dead.
There is nothing wrong with either POV. The choice is yours as long as
you do it consistently.
2. Beware the “has” tense.
Currently the “has”
tense is out of fashion (just don’t tell George R.R. Martin about it). The
theory is it puts too much distance between the reader and the action. Technically you should
only use this tense to describe a continuous action in the past
that was interrupted by another action. For example:
Harry had spent every
morning alone after breakfast until he met Ron.
Now that the “had” out
and see if it changes the meaning.
Harry spent every morning alone until he met Ron.
The meaning doesn’t
really change so you should take the “had” out.
Links:
The Present Perfect: Using "Has" and "Have" With the Past Participle
Narrative Tenses with Helpful Pictures
3 Keep it active and avoid the passive
Saying “he had to
blink several times to focus” makes Wisdom seem a victim. It is something
beyond his control. Changing it to “He blinked” puts the action back on him. He
is consciously doing something.
Similarly “Wisdom was forced to realize where he was” is passive. Again, events beyond his control give him no choice but to admit something. Changing it to “He realized where he was” makes him more active.
Similarly “Wisdom was forced to realize where he was” is passive. Again, events beyond his control give him no choice but to admit something. Changing it to “He realized where he was” makes him more active.
If you’re writing an
action scene, use active tone. If you’re writing a scene about someone being victimized or suffering from a natural disaster passive tense might be more appropriate.
4. Watch run-on sentences
Look at this line from
the first version:
Cold
mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the rush of water and Wisdom was
forced to admit where he was.
This is actually three separate thoughts.
You could put it as three separate sentences; however, I decided to break up the monotony of several small sentences by using a semi-colon.
- Cold air fell on his face.
- The air rumbled with the rush of water.
- Wisdom was forced to admit where he was.
You could put it as three separate sentences; however, I decided to break up the monotony of several small sentences by using a semi-colon.
So when do you use a semi-colon? Use it
when you want to join together two complete sentences that are related and/or
support each other. If you’re not 100% sure that a semi-colon works, don’t use
it. A period works just as well. It’s simply a matter of style.
A quick note on the relationship between
sentence length and tension. Short sentences tend to create more tension, long
sentences reduce tension. Therefore,
most action sequences should have generally short sentences. Descriptions of peaceful valleys or scenic
ocean vistas work better with longer sentences.
5. Can You Spot the Comma Splice?
Conclusion
This may look like I've spent too much time thinking about a few simple paragraphs. However, this is how much writers SHOULD think about their finished work. Too many self-published indie authors are putting out sloppy, unfinished work. Not only are they destroying their own reputation, they are damaging the industry as a whole.Take the time to edit properly. And, for the love of literature, get the opinion of an experienced editor.
